Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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