my phone needs a breathalizer
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
