i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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