My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
