she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Can I color on your dick again?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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