Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
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In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
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I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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