Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
