How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
