I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
