I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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