I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
