Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
