we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it's like iHOP with fire
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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