he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
