Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
