If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
