Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
