A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
