He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
