i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
