you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?