i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
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it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
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I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.