I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.