...so i touched it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
