A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
