my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
