dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
