Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
