what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.