i need an iv and a liver transplant
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
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He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
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I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out