Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
