They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
