no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
