I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
