idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
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doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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