my shit smells like andre
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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