I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
