I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
