toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
