this beer tastes like vomit already
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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