I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.