Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.