Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES