I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
