I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
