I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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