Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
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Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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