Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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