Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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