I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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