I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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