if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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