I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
