It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
