You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
