I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
