Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
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No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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