It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
