dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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