I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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