My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
